You are not playing by the rules

A boy winked at me on match (yay me), I then winked back. Boy emails me the same day goes on and on about what he is looking for and then gives me his number and wants to talk on the phone. I don't like those rules. Can't we just email for a little bit first. Then that way I can find out if you are worth my time to even get me to talk to you on the phone. Man.... this boy is jumping the gun!

Hottie McChuck is his nickname...

Ok so Meredith has her McDreamy, I now have my McChuck. I started my photography class on Tuesday and saw a cutie as we were all waiting to get into our classroom. Turns out the cutie is my teacher.... YES! His name is Nathan (love that name) and he is cute and kinda dorky. Just how I like them. As class went on I started to think that he reminded me a little bit of Chuck from the best tv show 'Chuck'. I'm in heaven, if you have talked to me since that show started you would know that I'm sooo crushing on Chuck. He also slightly reminds me of George from Greys. Anyways.... he is around my age ( I don't have any specifics) but he graduated from Columbia and has been working as a photo teacher for a few years now. AND the best part is there is no ring on his finger! BINGO! Now I just have to be cute every Tuesday and Thursday and make sure he knows that I'm not some 18 year old taking this class.... My mission begins!

New Found Talent That I have...

So after being bored at my desk today I have come to realize that I can arch my left eye brow pretty high. I tried to do the same w/ my right brow but no such luck. I can do both at the same time but if I try to do only my right side... nothing. It is like that side of my face is paralyzed.

08/16/08 ~ What a Great Day!

Two of my really good friend got married on Saturday. It was one of the best weddings that I have ever been too. The whole weekend was great. The rehearsal was on Friday. Saturday morning we spent it getting ready for the wedding. The wedding, I just can't even put it into words on how beautiful the ceremony was. And the reception was a blast. I'm so happy for my friends that they have decided to spend the rest of there lives together. I just hope that I am that lucky one day! So here is to J and K!

I loved this pic!

I CANT SLEEP

The Olympics are sooooooo my favorite thing and it is a shame that they are only on every four years. Well not really since the winter and summer ones are two years apart. Anywho..... I have not been able to get much sleep lately. Not only am I staying up late to watched everything but I have the last two night been dreaming about them. Last night I was in a swimming competition w/ Michael Phelps! I'm so crushing on him by the way. I'm going to be dead by the time the two weeks are over!

It is a sad day!

I found out yesterday that the cutie that works w/ me is quitting. Now I won't have anything good to look at anymore... and damn he beat me to quitting. Oh well my time will come soon! It is just said that my eye candy is leaving.

I thought this email was sweet.

Someone email this to me on match....

Hi, Where do I begin, ok, how about you are so cute and have a great smile. I saw your profile and was immediately taken by your pic. Then I read your profile and wanted to know more about you. You seem intelligent and fun.my kind of girl. A little about me. I live in Arlington Heights (30 mins from the city), single and enjoying life. I keep active by exercising and playing sports. I tend to tell lots of jokes and love to make people laugh. I love my family and friends.. And yes, I look young for my age. It will all work out when all my friends are 60 and I still look like I'm in my 20s. That will be my revenge. Before I ramble on, let me ask you to take a chance on a guy who may not be big on stature, but big in heart.. I will always treat you with respect and make you laugh. So get on that keyboard and say hi back. Let's go out and have some fun. I know we can have tons of laughs together. I hope this letter finds you well. Have a great day.. and I look forward to hearing from you soon..Gary

How to talk someone into going to Taco Bell w/ you.

If there is ever a time when you have a craving for some Tbell and you have a friend that might need some talking into it all you need to do is:

Tell them about the cheese... let them know the crunch wrap is calling there name.... Dr. Pepper (need I say more about the Pepper).... and of course just being in my company is worth it...

And then see it works.... You have a Tbell buddy. Yay!

I'm pissed

Well not so much at this moment but I went to get my hair cut and highlighted last night. I have a wedding in about a week and a half to stand up in and I wanted to make sure that my dark roots were taken care of. I at first asked my hair lady to just put highlights around my hair line in the front and then do the crown of my head. She then suggested that she do a touch up. Here is where the mistake happened. I figured that since I had just said that I wanted highlights (blond hair comes to me mind since I have super blond highlights already in my hair) well she starts to put a color around my scalp. I figured that she was bleaching my roots..... well the color gets washed out and I have darker roots now. It wasn't as dark as my real color but it is darker then my blond highlights.... I WAS PISSED WHEN I GOT HOME. The color really isn't bad and if I wasn't standing up in a wedding I would be fine but I had it in my head that I was for the most part going to be a blond for the wedding..... Oh well................ sniff.

School Supplies

This fall will be the first time that I will be back in school since I graduated college in 2003. I'm taking a photography class at the community college by my house. I went to Target two times in the last two weeks and have started to purchase some school supplies for myself. Last week I bought a notebook and yesterday a got a folder. If you are wondering why I didn't buy the two at the same time well the answer if b/c they didn't have a folder to match my notebook. That might sound crazy to some but I always took pride in getting my school supplies before each school year. I was walking up and down the isle secretly wishing that I had to purchase glue and crayons. I even saw a really cute cat folder and I really wanted to get it but decided not too b/c I didn't want the other students to think I am strange. Now all I need are some pens and a backpack!!! Would it be too much if all were the same color???? HMMMMM.

1:33 AM

That is the time that my power came back on last night. When I called ComEd the recording said that b/c of the mass quantities of people who were w/ out power they were trying to be realistic and said that it could take several days before our power was restored. I almost peed my pants when I woke up to my tv blasting and the light by my bed beaming on me.

I'm a mess

Lately I feel that I have been a little down on some good karma lately. I really need to find out a way to charge what the karma gods are dealing me....

Job: Totally sucks. I have been so busy that I have been working during my lunches and going in early just to catch up on my crap. I was so stressed out on Friday that I came home and cried away my woos.... Now it is Sunday night and I feel like throwing up at the thought of going to work tomorrow.

Feet: I'm a cripple. Left toe is blue and purple right now. I dropped my cell phone on my toe last week. It isn't pretty. Right foot's bunion is flaring up and I keep on getting shooting pains. It is making walking interesting at times.

Love life: WELL I JUST DON'T HAVE ONE! ENOUGH SAID.

Entertainment: Has been a little bit low. I haven't been able to hang out w/ my friends too much lately. They all have been pretty busy lately. Although mom has become a great person to hang out w/!! LOVE YOU MOM :)

The Rag: OMG my period this month has just been awful. I got it yesterday and I had bad cramps, flow has been much more then normal, no energy, total increase in food intake, and my mood isn't the greatest for the past three days.

I'm going to the gynie on Thursday and Friday I have to get two cavities filled.... WTF.

I hope the rest of my August is going to improve...

Shoping Shoping Shoping

Yesterday I went shopping w/ my mom and I was a shopping machine. I got soooo much stuff on sale. I bought work out clothes that were 60% off and then at Carson's I got three dress all on sale too. I got all three dress for $150 when each dress at regular price was well over $100 each. I love sales!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got a dress for my friend J's wedding rehearsal and one for my friend D's wedding and the third one I got just b/c it was sooooo pretty and my mom said it looked wonderful on me.... How could I have passed that up.

Only in a Friends episode would this happen... no it did happen to me! DAMN

Last week I was scheduled for a job interview with a company my friend told me about. I got an email from a women in HR and she told me the names of the two guys I would be interviewing with. One of the names looked familiar to me. The next day I had lunch w/ D (her fiance is the one who told me about the job) and I told her that one of the names of the guys I would be interviewing w/ was the same name as a guy who I went to high school with and better yet was the guy who I had make out w/ a few years back. My two girl friends and I ran into him and his two friends at a club and then we all went back to one of there houses. I totally ended up making out w/ this guy. D now curious to see if it was the same guy called her fiance. He said that he thought it might be the same guy b/c this guy from his work grew up in the town of my high school and was my age. And later confirmed that it was in fact the same guy.... I was horrified. How could I go now to this job interview. I was hoping that he wouldn't remember me. As luck would have it the next morning the HR women called and canceled the interview saying that all there openings had been filled. I was so happy b/c I know for a fact that I would have blown that interview.... Seriously stuff like that shouldn't happen in the real world. It should only be on tv shows for entertainment value.

Oh to be 22 again...

Saturday night I went to a local bar/club w/ some friends. At the end of the night there was the guy who started talking to me. He looked super and he then asked me how old I was. I told him to guess my age. He guessed 21 (ha) and I told him to add 7 years to that. He then told me that he was 22 (he's a baby)! As he kept on talking to me he kept on saying... wow you look good for a 28 year old! Oh what a stab to the heart.... NOW I FEEL SOOOO OLD to have a 22 tell me that I look good for being 28. Isn't that usually what you would say to someone at least over 40!! Hello!

Dancing Queen

I saw Mamma Mia on Friday and LOVED it! And now I wish that I could just break out into a song and dance at any moment. You know I'm at the mall shopping when a cutie walks by and I would like to be able to start jiving down the isle to some upbeat song confessing my devoted love to him. Wouldn't that be great! Oh well I guess I will have to keep these songs to myself...

I need a belt!

I'm w/out undies (as usual) but this time I'm wearing a pair of pants that are a little bit big. I have a huge gap in my waist and if I were to bend over it would not be pretty. Crack galore! I couldn't find any belts this morning. I think I only own two and I haven't seen them since I moved a few years ago. I think I need to purchase a new belt!

Since I posted a dog I can't be a trader... here are cute cats

I want a dog!

For the first time ever in my life I now want a dog. This dog actually. She is my sister Jenne's dog Daisy. I just fell in love w/ her. Maybe I can get Jenne to send her to me for my birthday!

Pics from the Japanese garden at the botanical gardens in TX.

Now I just need to Feng Shui my room and get a zen garden of my own!

SYTYCD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok a new season of So You Think You Can Dance has started and I'm so excited. Season four is definitely not a disappointment! We are on week 3 and last night there was an amazing performance by two of my favorites. I found the clip on youtube but since I'm computer stupid I couldn't figure out how to post it on here! Bummer!

I did it, I did it!

While on vacation in TX I went to a indoor rock climbing place w/ my fam. I started out only making it half way up the wall b/c I was then too afraid to climb higher b/c then I would have to get down somehow... SCARY! Anyways my 14 year old nephew Jacob talked me into going all the way to the top! In this pic I'm swinging my arm up to hit the bell! YAY ME!

A few strikes and buddy I think you are out.

After a few weeks of just looking at your great qualities, a great job, nice cars, being in the military I now see that you are selfish and just into your self. You never ask any questions about me (you don't even know what I do for a living) you don't remember anything that I do tell you and you are the hardest person to have a conversation with since I'm the only one coming up with things to talk about.... YOU SUCK! And the real kicker you didn't pass my test. HELL NO AM I DRIVING ALL THE WAY OUT TO ROCKFORD TO MEET YOU FOR DINNER TONIGHT. I WILL DO HALF WAY OR YOU COME TO ME DARLING... HELLO I'M THE LADY.... GOOD BYE TO YOU.....

Is this too harsh to tell a guy??? I'm thinking of texting this to Ty since I'm too much a chicken to actually say this to him....

I'm totally coping you D with your song lyrics....

I'll Wait for Love, by Matt White

It's like a quarter to three and I just can't sleep
'Cause I'm thinking of you
And all those times we cried
Did we really try?
Now I'm dreaming in blue

No matter where we say goodbye
I tell you baby
Keep your head high

I'll wait for love
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for love
I'll wait, will you?
When times are hard,
I'll think of you
I'll wait for love
I'll wait for love

And looking in my eyes
We're both telling lies
Asking too much of you
And when you kiss my lips
That is what i miss
Not knowing we be through

No matter when we say goodbye
I tell you darling
I won't cry

I'll wait for love
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for love
I'll wait, will you?
When times are hard,
I'll think of you
I'll wait for love
I'll wait for love

Your eyes still gaze at me through pictures
You could just be the one that got away
I look down at the phone
It's your number
Too many times a day

I'll wait for love
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for love
I'll wait, will you?
When times are hard,
I'll think of you
I'll wait for love
I'll wait for love

In one week...

I will be leaving here and flying down to Texas. I can't wait to see my sister and her family. I better come back with a nice tan and be relaxed. One whole week away from my horrid job! June 23 the job hunt begins.

I Hate Dating....

I do. It isn't fun for me. I just want to have someone and get past the whole I'm nervous, I'm breaking out in hieves b/c I'm going on a first date or im itchy just thinking about talking to a guy on the phone for the first time.... sometimes I think that I'm like Samatha Jones (minus the totally sex freak part) and don't want to be in a relationship b/c I just like being w/ me. I just get so stressed out over everything that goes alone w/ dating.

06/02/08 = BLAH

I know we are should never wish away days, we should live each day to the fullest but I don't want to do that today. Today or last night rather started off bad. I couldn't sleep, I'm not sure why, maybe it was b/c I was hot or just not sleepy or just dreading going to work the next day. As I was getting ready for work this morning I was getting nervous about coming into work. That is what my job has done to me. I just anticipate all these bad things happening and then panic attacks start. By the time I walked into work my heart was pounding. So in protest I am going to try to not work at all today unless I need to get something done right away.

06/19/08 the search for a new job begins!

SATC

I saw Sex and the City on Friday and it was amazing. Thanks D for going w/ me. I had a blast and I want copies of those pics so that I can scrapbook them.

I feel loved!

Two of my good friends have really brighten up my last two days. They have made me feel so much better about myself and have said some really great things to me. Thanks KB and Topangabay! You are truely great friends!

One

I think that I'm a bad friend. I have lost a lot of them at least. Maybe things like that just happen in life or maybe I'm just not a good friend. I have been thinking lately that I'm too selfish maybe I don't give enough in my friend relationships. Maybe I just need to start meeting more people and start being nicer. For a long time now I have felt like I don't have that person like many others do. My friends either have a sister or there boyfriends that they can turn to and I feel like I have been walking alone for a really long time and it is starting to eat away at me. I so wish that my sister would move back to town. I feel then that I wouldn't feel so alone.

Spend the money or stay home

I was invited out to Medieval Times this Saturday. Do I go or stay home and save money?

Pros:

It would be fun.
I feel that I haven't been going out enough lately
I won't meet a man sitting at home

Cons:

I will have to spend money
I don't know if I can invite my friends to go and if not then I would only know one person

Ummm what to do?

You want to be my friend...

Ok what do you do when someone (a co-worker maybe) wants to be your friend and you just really don't like the person. Ok let me word that differently, you just don't like a lot of her characteristics. Do you give the person a chance or no?

I feel that I need new friends ( I have my few close ones but I need more) lately. Not sure why but I do. So maybe this is the new friend that I have been looking for. Doubt it but since I want more I should maybe give her a shot.

What I'm looking forward too...

Since my job sucks so much a way for me to get through the days is to think of something fun that I'm planning on going or anything to get my mind off of work. Right now I'm thinking of how fun my next vacation will be (I'm going to visit my sis in TX on June 12). I'm also thinking of having dinner w/ my friend this week at BWW (A fav restaurant) and I'm also thinking of going shopping to get new clothes like my sis in law.

After my next vacation is over my goal is to look for a new job. I'm going to ask for my friends help here. Will you please get on my case if you see, hear that I'm not holding up my part! I am the kind of person who some times needs to have that push to get things done!

Vacation

I got back from my vacation out east yesterday. I had such a great time that I didn't want to come back home, well besides missing my bed. I think that I want to move. I have never really said that but I want to now. Annapolis was such a nice small town and it reminded me of one of my favorite tv shows Gilmore Girls. It was very old and had so much character. And the navy academy is right there so that can't hurt.

I have also decided that I want to marry someone in the military. They have a lot of characteristics that I like in a man plus I love a man in a uniform! Can I get a Hell yeah. I have also come to realize that I want to be just like my sister in law EB. She has the cuties clothes, is a great mom to her 17 month old, has a great job and I just want her live. I'm going to have to try and work on mine now.

One thing I hate

Ok I know I have written a lot of posts today but I have been behind and will be gone for a few days. One thing that I hate is when people try to change you. Well let me clarify that. I hate it when guys try to change things about me. For example, I had dinner w/ a guy a few days ago and he was trying to get me to change things about me, such as in the kinds of food I eat he wanted me to be more food daring and also about me not wanting to move out of state and start a new life. This is such a pet peeve for me and it actually pisses me off.

I think that over the year I have become more of a bitch. And I think b/c of it I can't put up w/ stupid stuff like this!

SHOPPING IS THE BEST MEDS!

I went shopping this weekend, kind of a spur of a moment thing and it was wonderful. I ended up spending $300 that day but it temporary relieved my internal madness!!! Thank you to The Gap and Ritz Camera!

Why I will not settle

I had a convo with someone this weekend and talked about how I feel about people who are with someone b/c they don't want to be alone or feel that they can not find anyone better. The thing that makes me slightly sick to my stomach is when those people decide to take these relationships and move them to the next step of marriage. There are a few people I know like this and I truly feel sorry for them b/c there is a good chance that they will never find true love which saddens me. Or they will end up ending there marriage. Both of my parents were previously married and even though I'm not a divorcee kid I saw what it did to my siblings. I have never settled and I NEVER WILL!

April 30 won't come soon enough

I'm leaving for Annapolis this Wed and it is just what I need right now. I have been stressed out at work and I feel that personally I'm in a rut. I need this temporary change to hopefully clear out my mind. Lately I have felt so alienated and I honestly don't know why. I have felt like an outsider looking in on my own life. Might sound strange I don't get it myself but I'm wishing that short get away will help. I have felt distant from the people I care about most (fam and friends) and I don't like it.

I'm Back.

I haven't been on here for awhile. But here is an update on me:

I have been working out a lot and have tried to get some better eating habits. I'm actually counting my calories. I'm going to visit my brother in Annapolis the end of this month. I finally purchased the camera that I have wanted forever. My new thing is to go to BWW for dinner like every other week for dinner. I have recently been talking to a guy that I meet from Match about a year ago. I'm going to visit my sister in Texas in June. I still hate my job. I signed up to take a photography class at the community college by my house, it starts in the fall. I have ants hanging around my desk at work, another reason to hate my job. I dyed my hair dark brown and I already want to go blond.

Marriages should be forever

One of my co-workers was just talking about possibly getting engaged to her boyfriend. She takes her boyfriend for granted and is always talking about leaving him and she is getting married just to get married because all of her friends are. That makes me so mad. I hate it when people take marriage not serious at all. No wonder there are so many divorces now. I also don't understand why people settle for people that are not right for them. Don't you want to be madly in love? Don't you want to know that this person is the one that you are going to spend the rest of your life with and never question if it is right or not.

Hypochondriac

When I'm bored at work (which is everyday) I have to get creative on ways to make the day past fast. My new thing is to go onto the WedMD Website and type in symptoms that I'm having to see what is wrong w/ me. Can we say hypochondriac! Anyways today I think that I have type 2 Diabetes. I have for years now thought that I was Diabetic and of course whenever I'm at the doctor I never bring it up. I'm sure after all these years if I was truly sick I would have been REALLY sick by now. I think that I should be banned from this website. It does me no good. I end up sending the links to either my mom or friends and ask 'Do you think that I have this.' Earlier this week it was cancer now I'm diabetic. I need a new job!!!

Carpe Diem

I have at least two experience in life that I wish I would have seized the opportunity when it was first brought to me. There are two guys that I wish that when I knew they liked me I would have handled things differently. I don't react to things fast, I now know that. I'm that kind of person who needs to analyze it to death before I make up my mind. With both guys I finally decided that I liked them when it was too late. I blame myself but I guess that it was meant to turn out this way otherwise I would have reacted differently in the beginning.

My Dad

I'm worried about my dad's health. He is over weight. He is trying to do weight watchers but I don't think that he is too serious about it. It makes me nervous that something might happen to him soon. Sometimes his breathing is very heavy. I sometimes think the worst, I know that I shouldn't but sometimes I do and it scares me. I know my mom has the same concerns too. He is aware of her concerns, that is why he is on WW. I hope that he starts to take this seriously soon.

Heart to Heart

I went to Lake Gevena for the weekend. My sister in law Erin invited me to a scraping weekend. I had done it before so I said yes right away when asked if I wanted to attend this one. My mom and friend Patty came w/ me. Also attending was Erin, her mom and aunt and one of her friends and also my sister in law Jenny and her friend. There were nine of us in total. I had a great time. I was even able to open up to my mom and Patty about what was going on with me and about an event that had just happened. They had a lot of good advise and I really felt better afterwards. I wish that I could go to these things more often b/c it feels good to get away from everything back home!

Swing Swing Swing

I just got asked if I would want to take some swing dance lessons! I love to dance and it seems like it would be so much fun.

Talk about a 180

Ok I was in such a rut on Friday. Work was so slow that I was for some odd reason having some panic attacks. That got me thinking of all the negative things going on right now in my life. I was having a pity party for myself basically. After work I went shopping w/ Lindsay (shopping always brightens my mood) and I was able to find some really cute stuff. After Lindsay and I meet up w/ our friend Jeff for pizza. I was in such a good mood now the shopping (and one Red Bull later) really lifted my spirits. The company around me, the pizza, and all the laughing was just want I needed to get out of my rut.

This felt good...

About 15 mins ago I was asked out to dinner and a movie by a boy! It felt good to be wanted! I already have plans so I can't go but we are going to set something up soon. I don't like this guy in a romantic way but it still felt good.

Unhappy

I don't know what it is but lately I have been in such bad moods. I have some thoughts on what can be the cause of it but sometimes I just don't know why. Maybe I'm sick like Britney Spears and am bipolar. If I start wearing a pink wig please reach out and try to help me. Ok enough with the joking around. Last night in a convo I had w/ a friend she mentioned that she was so busy in life that she didn't even have him to worry about stuff. Well I don't have anything right now to make myself busy so I need something. Any suggestions???

Throwing in the towel

I think that it is time for me to give up on a few things. It is finally time for me to delete some of those phone numbers that should have been gone a long time ago. You know it is numbers from a few guys that I hoped would one day call me out of the blue and ask how I am or ask to do something. It is also time for me to stop trying to reconnect w/ a guy who used to like me. I can only invite him out soo many times before I look like a stalker. I did get confirmation on that last night too so I need to stop. It is time for me to stop trying to make things work when I know that they won't. Some friendships just are not worth saving. You really pissed me off after making a big deal when I didn't call you back and then when I did call I never heard back from you. It has been almost two months now!!

Thanks Ladies

Thanks KB and D for lunch. It just added to the happy day that I'm having. Lets just hope that this last the rest of the day!!

Winter Sucks

I'm so sick of this weather. We just got another maybe five inches of snow last night/this morning. And I'm so sick of drivers who drive up on your ass in these weather conditions. I so just want to slam on my brakes so that they hit me! There was an SUV (shocking) that was so close to me this morning and I couldn't have even gone faster if I wanted too b/c there were cars in front of me and I was kinda close to them. Usually when it snows I leave about a three to five (hehe) cars in front of me but this morning it was about only two. Grrrrr is all I have to say right now, that and I almost got hit by a car when I was making a left turn and it so would have been my fault :) OOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to be what my friends think of me

Last night I came across an old email from a friend. In this email my friend was telling me about how strong I am as a person. Thinking back now I wonder if I am still that strong girl or was I ever that girl. Maybe I just gave off the impression that I was that way. On the inside I usually feel like I don't have my shit together and I'm shocked to hear people say that they think differently of me. This friend wasn't the first to say something like this to me. So either I have everyone fooled or I am much different then even I think! I hope that I am what some people see in me.

A Few Good Men

Ok a friend just asked me to write a blog b/c she is bored at work and wants something to read. Too much pressure to come up w/ anything good so I'm going to go a different route. I'm going to give you a list of some actors that I thought were HOTT in these roles. So after you read please let me know if you agree or have any others that you would like to add to my list...

Joaquin Phoenix - Ladder 49
Keanue Reeves - Speed
Jason Statham - The Transporter 1 & 2
Brad Pitt - Legend of the Falls, all of the Ocean movies and Troy
Orlando Bloom - Pirates of the Caribbean
Tom Cruise - Top Gun
Leonardo Di Caprio - Titanic (I will never let go Jack, I will never let go! sniff)
Brandon Routh - Superman Returns
Matthew McConaughey - How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days
Paul Walker - Into the Blue
Ryan Reynolds - Just Friends

**UPDATE** Thanks D

John Cusack - Say Anything (I never saw the movie but I know D loves it)
Michael Schoeffling - 16 Candles (Jake Ryan is so HOTT!)

Ok I can't come up w/ any more. It must be b/c I'm at work and it is sucking the life out of me and b/c it's Friday.

I Hate Thursdays

Today is just one of those days that I could do w/out. First off it is Thursday. I hate Thursdays. Someone once told me that they loathed Thursdays. I asked them why and they said that they didn't have a reason, the day of the week just always sucked for them. I laughed at him at the time but now I know what he is talking about. I usually never know why I hate Thursdays I usually just do. So again, it is Thursday. Then this morning this SUV almost t boned my car in my work parking lot.... I was so shocked by the whole event that I didn't even hit my horn. Damn SUV drivers! Once at work I remembered that a co-worker is off for the rest of the week and I had to deal w/ some of her calls this morning... not a good way to start off my day. A few hours into my day my stomach started hurting, hurting so bad that I thought that I was going to throw up but luckily drinking a coke helped calm it down. And to top it all off today is Valentines Day. Usually I never care about today or get sad but today I'm a little bummed that I don't have someone special to spend it w/ (My D did offer to be my Valentine, thanks D). It didn't help that everyone at work was making such a big deal about today. Otherwise I think I would have been fine. Only 10 hours to go until it is Friday!

Playing hookie never felt so good!

I woke up this morning feeling that I had to find a way out of going to work. When that didn't happen I dragged myself out of bed, got ready and headed off. Once at work I knew that it was going to be impossible to make it the whole day, so the plotting began. I talked myself into faking a headache and my acting skills went into action. I actually had co-workers coming up to me asking if I was feeling ok... YES I'M GOOD... so right before lunch I told my manager that I needed to go home. Thinking that they would tell me to wait to at least the half day point I was totally surprised when they suggested that I just pack up and go home.... OH IM IN HEAVEN!

So now I'm at home all nice and cozy (it is at best 7 degrees outside) and home before the snow starts (they are saying we might get 3-5 inches starting at 3PM)! The possibilities are endless right now on how I can spend my afternoon, should I take a nap, read a book, watch a movie... I just don't know... Anyways I'm off to finish enjoying my afternoon!!

Promise is a promise

A few days ago I promised a friend that this fall I was finally going to take a photograghy class like I have been saying for a few years now. I think that I have also picked out the camera that I want to get. Now I just have to start saving...

Hmmm. Could this guy be the one???

One thing that I hate about myself is that whenever there is a guy that I like I automatically think to myself 'Can I see myself married to this guy.' Why do I do this? Am I the only one who does this or do others think the same way? I wish that I could just learn to stop these thoughts and try to enjoy myself and what this guy has to offer me w/out jumping the gun and freaking myself out. Because then I just start to focus on the things that I don't like about the guy thinking that well I could never end up w/ this guy b/c of____! Then I eventually talk myself out of liking the guy. It is a sicking process that I go through all the time.

If you have any advise please let me know....

This is for you D...

SAD is real!!! HEHE

http://www.webmd.com/depression/seasonal-affective-disorder

You've lost that loving feeling...

I first want to start this entry by saying that on the radio this morning they said that we have not had sunlight since Feb 1st and it was only out for 11 mins. With that being said, I wanted to share with you that I suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and have not had any energy or motivation to do anything. I have been a pathatic lump of mush actually.

Wanting to change this state of mind I asked a few friends yesterday if they would like to join me for dinner both C and the boy agreed (thank God). We all meet at Buffalo Wild Wings, a new fav place of mine. The food was great, conversation was funny and the song 'You've lost that loving feeling was following me that day.

Earlier that day when emailing the boy we started going back and forth w/ Topgun quotes and ended up emailing lines from the song. Then later at dinner as we all decided that we had had enough fun at BW3s the boy pointed out that 'our' song was on. Again today at work the song came on the radio which brought a smile to my face. Plus it is finally sunny today so my mood is about 5 % better today :)

I'm also adding that my spellcheck function is not working anymore and if you know me, you know that I can't spell for shit so please bare w/ any mis spelled words. Thank you very much!

Have you been invited to the Death Star lately, because I have...

Last week I was having an email conversation w/ a friend. Earlier that week I had invited him to come out w/ my friends and me and now he was telling me that he wouldn't be able to make it. I totally fall into sexual converstaions all the time and don't even realise it...

Me: Fine. Don't hang out w/ me. I see how it is.
Boy: You can always come over to the Death Star whenever you want ; )
(FYI Death Star in boy lingo = his townhouse. And for those of you how don't know, the Death Star is Darth Vadors ship in Star Wars!)
Me: Well I might just have to do that. Why do you call it the death star?
Boy: To impress you ; )
Me: Oh I like it when boys try to impress me. So what else you got to impress me w/?
Boy: Well you'll have to come over to the death star and find out ; )

Man I so walked into that one... I'm such an airhead sometimes. HEHE!!!

So far this month has put me in the dumps

It is only 5 days into Feb and I am already over it. The weather has shit on us here... We started Feb 1 w/ getting 9 inches of snow and we are to get another 5-9 inches tomorrow. I have spend $1500 on my car the past week and I'm stressed out at work. I haven't posted much lately b/c even though I have stuff to say I'm not sure I'm ready to put it on here yet. So instead I'm have kept my self busy by reading other really cool blogs that I have found. It is good to know that there are others out there who suffer from the same stuff as me. I think it is a comfort to read about there lives and how they deal w/ stuff.

Oh and an update on a previous post. This isn't official but I think my brother is moving to NC instead of CA in May...... Looks like I might not even get the chance to move there even if I decided to.

Damn those 100 calorie packs!

Ok so last night I was doing a little bit of shopping at Target. I was looking for some snacks to have at work. I came to the 100 calorie pack choices and I decided to try the mini blueberry muffins. I had never bought these before so I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if there were going to taste good, maybe they had less calories or were the quanties just less. I took a chance and brought one of the mini blueberry packs w/ me to work this morning. I barely ate anything yesterday ( I will explain why in another blog story I have for you ) so I riped open the pack about 5 mins of being at work. And after I open it I see that there are TWO mini muffins.... WTF! That is 100 calories! I ate them (there were quite good actually) and then was left w/ wanting more. I think the whole 8 pack box I bought is equalivant to one whole muffin. And damn it I'm still hungry!

I'm so proud of you!

Hey Jenne, I just wanted to let you know that I'm so proud of you for going out and getting your dream job!!! I heard from mom that your first day was great and that you are going to have your own patient tonight! Good luck!

Damn they figured me out!!!

So it has finally happened.... My bosses have somehow figured out that I'm not as busy as I pretend to be b/c they have given me more accounts to work on. Those bastards. Luckily for me I'm pretty fast at getting them done so I can still continue to do my email, blogging and just doing nothing!!! Life is good!

Baby it's cold outside

So this past weekend has been the coldest weekend so far and I'm hoping that we don't have anymore like it...

I ended up having a wonderful weekend (for the most part, I'll explain the not so great part a little later). Friday I visited Patty b/c she is not very mobile after having her foot surgery. Chris came over a little bit later and we ate, laughed and watched TV. Oh and I pulled out all of our old High School pics and they were so funny to look at. I wanted to burn about 99% of them but still quite funny. Saturday I had a busy day. I had to take in Biscuit for an 8:30 vet appointment to see what was wrong w/ him. I felt so bad b/c he got a full physical but it turns out that Biscuit is only constipated. YAY! Now I just have to find food that he will eat that has more fiber in it! I then went shopping, cleaned the house (I even swiffered the floor), and I baked a cake. Later that night I met up w/ my friends and we went to Mac Grill for dinner and then went back to my house to watch my friend Karie's wedding video. I love wedding so it was so much fun watching it. Although now that I have watched my self dance I now see that I make way too many funny faces. I think I might get way too into my dancing. I might need to refrain from going that. Well as my friends and I were watching the video my neighbor was playing his music very loudly. It was kinda annoying b/c it had sounded like the same song going on for like 3 hours. My friends left a little bit after midnight and the music just kept on going. Finally at 1:23 it stopped!! I was so pissed at this point, I so wanted to call the cops on him (man I feel old) b/c I was tired and couldn't sleep w/ all that noise. So the next morning it started all over again. This time there was singing along w/ the music. OMG!! The little light in my head is going on... He is having band practice at his house. GREAT!!! I wonder how ofter this will take place! Anyways on Sunday I was able to get a lot of my book read so I was happy b/c I was able to be lazy and read! I need more weekends like that.

The Biscuit

Ok so I have a cat named Biscuit aka The Biscuit aka baby love (yeah I so stole that nickname from the TV show 'Girls Next Door') and I'm taking him to the vet tomorrow morning. It seems that he is having some issues depositing his goal into the litter box b/c he has this terrible cry! I'm thinking that he is constipated or at least hoping that is his issue and it isn't anything majorly wrong w/ him. I'm such a bad mommy too b/c I'm taking him outside on the coldest day of the year!!! Anyways so wish us luck that The Biscuit will be ok!

What's wrong w/ people.....

Ok I'm going to be venting about my job. I just can't stand this place this week. I don't want to sound mean but I work w/ the stupidest people around. There is this customer that I work w/ and my contact there is only working w/ about two brain cells. It is pretty sad that I take her job more seriously then she does. And it stresses me out that she can't even do the simplest thing. OMG! Anyways I have finally gotten today the things that I needed from her (I have been asking for this stuff for over a week) and my stress level is slowly going down! I think my blood pressure is almost normal and the hives are fading! I'm just waiting for her to drop the next bomb though. Damn I hate Thursdays!

Random Fact and I'm Bored

My first name is the 66th most common name in the whole USA!

I'm so the favorite aunt

I babysat for 3 of my nieces and nephews on Friday. It went really well. The kids were so well behaved for an 8, 6, and 4 year old. They showed me all of there Christmas gifts and then we decided to watch SpongeBob SquarePants the movie (which was actually pretty funny) ate way too much popcorn and then I helped them set up for the slumber party they were going to have in the oldest room. Yesterday my sister in law called to chat and the middle niece asked to talk to me just to say hi. I'm so there favorite aunt now!!!

An amazing thing has happened to me.

Well not really but I just wanted to share that I brought a diet coke w/ me to work this morning b/c I was out of my regular coke (which is my form of coffee) and I liked the diet coke. I have in the past months been slowly making a change over to diet pop. It all started w/ diet root beer. It is wonderful b/c it tastes almost the same as the real thing. Then the switch to diet Dr. Pepper was added. A little bit different but still good. I had always hated diet coke w/ a passion. It was the nastiest thing to me but today there was a break though. Now maybe I can truly make the switch over to diet!!

Ice Skating!

I went ice skating this weekend. I friend is having foot surgery today so we wanted to do something fun over the weekend. OMG I'm in so much pain today (two days after mind you) . I didn't fall or anything, which is why this is funny, but yesterday my ankle was hurting me, it was even swollen a little bit. Today My hip and shin hurt on top of my ankle still hurting... OMG I really am getting old!

Please come stalk me.... is what it says on my forehead!

Ok so I have a somewhat stalker again.... yes for some reason I get these strange guys who do some strange things. Most of my stories are good but I'm going to talk about my current stalker. His name is Kurt and until Friday I really didn't know much about him besides that he somehow knew my boss and that he liked rock music. Anyways I will start from the beginning.


One day I answered the phone at work. It was someone (Kurt) asking for my boss Dave. Well before I could transfer him to Dave, Kurt just started asking me questions. I was very stand offish to him but he just kept on asking. He did also get my name. The next day he called again. I knew just from his voice who he was (although at the time I didn't know his name) and he called and told me a joke. He said that he would call me everyday and tell me one. And he did for about a week and let me add that I still wasn't friendly on the phone w/ him. But he did say maybe you should give me your email so that way I don't have to bother you at work by me calling all the time. I give it to him thinking that my torture would end. I just wouldn't email back and he would get the hint. Well that didn't work. He called me to tell me that I wasn't emailing him.... GREAT! Now I had to email him. Which I kinda did. But this time I had told my direct boss and that I thought it was strange. Dave mentioned him to me so I knew that Kurt had mentioned me to him... GROSS!! Anyways Dave and Sally were laughing about the whole issue so I didn't worry about it too much.


He then a few days after asked me what kind of music I like. He then told me he was going to make me a mix CD. Ok who does that. Thinking that he was kidding I totally forgot about it. When I came back from Christmas I had an emailing from him asking if I got the CD yet. I said no but he had sent it w/ a runner and right at 3:00 that day guess what I got. A mix CD!!! Ok hold back the laughing... This is what he wrote on the package "Hi M, CD as promised. It's not hard, hard rock. Am going easy on you this time. Next one will shake the earth!! Kurt" Ok really hold back the laughing... I'm not even at the best part yet. Before NYE he send me the corniest email ever. I wished that I saved it. Ok so I thought that after the new year I was in the clear. I hadn't heard from him. I still haven't but on Friday my boss walks up to me and says 'What's w/ Kurt?' I said I don't know he's your friend! Then I got the 411 from Dave. He used to work for Dave about 15 years ago. He was married and had like 7 kids. He also never showed up for work and then his drug dealers started calling work!!! OMG! Anyways he is now telling Dave that his life is back together and that Dave needs to put in a good word for him to me!!! Seriously how do this losers find me!!!!!

His name is?

So everyday at work this guy comes in three times a day to drop off and pick up stuff. We call them runners b/c they go to local businesses that we need to get documents or money too. Anyways he is sorta new and kinda cute. But he also has this vibe that he is just a really cool guy. Kinda like a Lenny Kravitz kind of vibe. He just seems like he would be totally cool to be friends w/. His voice is really deep and nice too like he could be a singer or something. So for the past few days I have been trying to guess what his name was. It had to be something totally manly. This morning a co-worker asked him what his name was.... it's Glenn. I was so disappointed by that... I think his cool factor dropped a few points. Although he is still way cooler then most of us so it's ok.

One Thing I Wish I Could Change About Me

Ok so lately I totally suffer from OCD! And it DRIVES ME CRAZY!!! It is only w/ certain things too. Every night I have to check to make sure that all the doors are locked about 2 times. The reason that I usually make the second trip of checking the locks is because I will think to myself, "Did I just lock the doors or did I just think about it but I never did it." I also check to make sure that my alarm clock is set like a million times. I in the past have slept through it or forgot to set it and have been late to work. I'm SO paranoid that that could happen again that I set my alarm clock on my night stand AND I also set the alarm on my cell phone! And lastly at work mostly on Fridays I double and sometimes triple check all of my files and things that I have done for the day just to make sure that I did everything that needed to be done. I'm so paranoid that I will mess up and make a mistake. Man it drives me nuts. I find that the more stressed out I am the more I feel the need to check myself... I'm rereading this and thinking to myself that maybe I need medication for this :)

It finally hit me

Last night I was watching a TV show (I'm not going to mention which one b/c you would laugh) and it got me thinking about when I started to get unhappy w/ my life. It was right before I finished college. My whole life before that time was all planned out for the most part. I went to school and had a part time job once I got old enough to work. Once the reality came to me that I was going to have to start making decisions for myself on what I wanted my life to be I think I started to fall apart a little bit. To this day I hate having to make decisions on my life. I think that I hate it so much that I usually avoid doing it. I wish that I could have someone tell me what I need to do and then I would do it. I guess the good part about this is that I am finally realizing this about me.

Good Advise to live by...

I read this in another blog but I need to start doing this!

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. "
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."

So, my friend, why not take a while to just simply RELAX. Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

Life is short.

Enjoy it!

The Proposal

When I was 14 years old I drove w/ my parents out to Quantico, VA. My brother Jr was having his graduation from Office Training school w/ the Marines. Well before the ceremony he told me to go out on the lawn after the ceremony was over b/c there was going to be something special happening. Afterwards I walked out there w/ my parents and we saw Jr standing next to some girl talking to her and keeping her occupied. From behind them I saw a group of about 25 marines walking in formation (so it was 5 rows of guys w/ 5 guys in each row) towards my brother and this girl. They walked past them turned to the left walked a little bit more then made another left turn and were now facing my bro and the girl. One of the marines commanded something and all 24 guys dropped to one knee. The guy in the center was left standing w/ a red rose. It was the girls boyfriend. Someone else commanded something else and the boyfriend walked up to the girl. At that time another marine walked up placed a pillow in front of him and he then bend down on one knee and asked her to marry him. It was the most romantic way to be asked to marry someone. I couldn't even hear what the guy said but the show did it for me. Now do you see why I loves the marines so much :) I then found out that the whole idea was my brothers... Oh what a softy!

A Shot at Love

Earlier this year my friends talked me into joining match.com. I started in March and cancelled my membership in December. Unfortunately I was not lucky enough to find someone on there like a few of my friends. I did however meet some interesting people and not all interesting in a good way. The first guy I met was Steve. I liked Steve. We went on about five dates and then he stopped calling... that was a hard one. I think I was just starting to let myself really like him. Next up I meat Art. Art was super duper nice and pretty cute. He was just a little bit too open w/ his emotions and I just couldn't handle that. And he really didn't know how to date. He asked me "What do I do next!" That was a total turnoff. He was a good guy though and we still email each other every once in awhile.


My next shot at meeting someone was Andy. First impression was he was very attractive. After talking to him for five mins I was ready to walk out the restaurants door. I don't know how to explain it but his face make the most unusual expressions... plus he didn't ask anything about me until like over an hour into our conversation. He definitely didn't get a second date. After Andy was Bobby. I was a little bit let down by Bobby's appearance. He looked much different from the pics he had on his profile. I think that he gained about 50 lbs. Not that that alone was going to stop me from seeing him. He also seemed to be gay. That was a little too hard to deal w/.


By this point I was starting to give up. Then someone I had emailed w/ in the beginning of my membership emailed me again. His name was Vito. Red flags should have gone up right there for me. Yes he was 100% Italian. If you know me you would know that I have always warned my friends not to date an Italian. I thought I would give him a shot though. I was trying to be as open as possible. I went on a few dates w/ Vito even after a kinda bad impression from our first date. He was very good looking but he totally had that "I'm the man and you are the women" thing doing. He was basically looking for someone to take over from his mom taking care of him... Not for me. I finally decided that it was time to quit looking.

Not many of you can relate

I was watching the news last night (shocking I know) and it was talking about men and women from the Air Force being deployed overseas to the war. This brought back some not so great memeories to me. I come from a military family (just in case you didn't know) and fortunately I have only had to witness one family member having to go and fight in the war. My brother Jr has gone over two times already and might have to go one more time.

When I was 10 years old Jr was in the Air Force and his unit was picked to go over to the first Desert Storm war. At this point the military wasn't his "job" and he had to leave college to go over to Saudi Arabia. Only being 10 years old I didn't really know what was going on. It wasn't until the day that we had to drive him to the Air Force base to fly overseas did I know how scary this really was. I was in my room and all of a sudden I heard my Dad sobbing. I have never, even to this day seen or heard my dad cry like this. Now I was scared. It was so hard to have to hug him good bye and then see him leave. If my memory is correct we even got to see his plane fly away. Luckily his job in the military wasn't too demanding and he was never in harms way. I think I heard him say that he was just hanging out w/ some guys from Italy.

Now comes the second war. This was right after Sept 11th. Jr had to go over again. He was over there before we "started" the war. This time I knew what was going on since I was older and this time there really was a reason to be scaried. Jr had now switched over to the Marines and was a Cobra helicopter fighter pilot. There are less then 200 Cobra pilots in the whole United States. And yes I said fighter pilot. That means that he was fighting (guns, bombs etc.) every time that he was in the air. We had so many scares when he was over there when we heard on the TV that a helicopter was shot down. There was even a time when it was a Cobra was shot down, being less then 200 in the whole US and not that many are over there at one time it was such a horrible long night until we knew that it wasn't him. I was in such a constant fear. I knew that my family was going through the same thing that I was feeling but I felt like the world was still doing on and so few had these worries like me. I was so jealous that I couldn't let one day go by and not think 'What if something happened today'. Thank God he was fine and didn't have to stay there long. After he came back to the states and soon after he flew out to Chicago and we had a surprise "Welcome Home" party for him. He wasn't the brother that I had known. The war had messed w/ his mind a bit. I had asked him when he was home if he had killed people. He looked at me w/ a "Are you serious" look and was like "Yes". I then asked if he had killed a lot. I don't remember what his exact answer was but yeah it was a lot. He soon went back to the normal brother that I knew.

Jr had then been lucky to not have to go back and then got a job working at Annapolis Navel Academy teaching the students there. His three years are almost up and he will be returning to being a pilot. His wife told me that he might have to go over there again. I sure hope not b/c I don't want to have to go through that scaried feeling again.

Scrapbooking the Weekend Away...

I got invited to go up to Lake Geneva, WI this past weekend by my sister in law Erin. She is a Creative Memories demonstrator and three times a year they hold these weekend scrap-a-thons. This was the first time that she was hosting a spot and invited a lot of family. I love to scrapbook but always get to involved in talking to my friends or looking at there old scrapbooks that I never get anything done. There must have been some kind of magic in this conference room that they had us all in ( there were about 50 of us ) because I was so on a roll. I got 8 pages done in the 3 days that I was there, which for me is a miracle. There was so much to do up there. We went shopping in Lake Geneva ate at really good places and I think that I gained about 10 lbs. But on top of that I just had a great time being w/ everyone there. I had known everyone of Erin's seven guests. It was my mom, my sister in law Jenny, her friend Gail. Erin's sister Gin ( I know her very well b/c she used to date my brother way back in the day) her mom and a next door neighbor. So it was a great environment ( I could see the lake from the hotel), great conversation, and great people to be around.

Gotta love when people have boob envy!

Ok so on NYE a friend got pretty wasted. She was walking back from getting another round of drinks and she walks up to me and says in a totally drunk slowed version of her normal talking " I love your boobs, I wish I had them! " I think that was one of the highlights of my night!!

I think you are the father of one of my kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?", to which she replies, "I think you'rethe father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithfulto his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Shout Out

I would like to take this time to give a shout out to my friend C. On NYE there were a group of Marines there and she walked up to one and asked if he had any single friends. C is normally on the shy side so this was very impressive and I'm sure it helped that she was quite tipsy at the time but still she did ask. Unfortunately he said that all of the Marines there were taken! Darn!

Update

Ok so I just wanted to say that since writing my blog yesterday I have since been in a better mood. I didn't want to keep my feelings in b/c I knew that it would just eat me away and I'm not the best person to express how I'm feeling at all. Actually I totally suck at it. So blogging about how I felt was the only thing I could come up w/ to try to make me feel better. I guess writing about my feelings just makes me feel better. Plus shedding a few tears didn't hurt either.

And after talking to someone today I am starting to think that even if i were to have someone special to spend NYE w/ would I still have felt lonely like I did? Would having a b/f make that feeling go away? My mom has been telling me for awhile now that finding that one person what you want to spend your life w/ doesn't mean that all the other crap in your life will go away. I have always had it in my head that finding that someone would magically make it all go away but I think it is finally setting in that it wont be like that. Don't get me wrong I'm still feeling lonely that I don't have a better half but I think that maybe I need to try to fix the other things in my life that might be causing me to feel this way also. I just now have to figure out what that is!

What do you think....

Ok do you think that I should cut my hair short and wear it straight everyday instead of my long curly hair????? What do you think?????

I need to find me a Man like this.. a guy who likes cats and can defend our country!

New Years Resolution...

My friend KB asked me what my New Years resolution was going to be yesterday. I wasn't sure until today. I'm going to try to do all of the things that I say I want but never do. So this year if I comment about something I want then it is going to be my goal to try to accomplish it.

I'm Sick

Ok im going to first warn you that im in a horrible mood and that this blog is going to have a much angry vibe to it so you might not even want to read it but this blog is to help me feel better about what im feeling so that is why im writing it.

im sick of being in such a bad mood ALL of the time. i dont' know know how to help myself get out of this bad mood but it is killing me.

im sick of being alone. yesterday was new years eve and even though i was w/ most of my clostest friends ever i have never felt more alone then i did last night. i so bad just wanted to have someone there w/ me to bring in the new year w/ that is was all i could do to hold back a sobbing fest.

im so sick of people always pointing out my age. it is such a sentative subject w/ me that i dont' want to be reminded that im getting up there and having NOTHING to show for it in my life besides a lot of bills.

im so sick of thinking that my life is pathatic!!!! i have no self estem anymore. i used to have a lot but i guess shit happened and it just went away.

im sick of putting other peoples feelings before mine. that is just the kind of person that i am and i will prob still put there feelings before mine but im so sick of it.

im sick of playing the safe side of things. i never take a chance in life.

im so sick of people who use me, there is one person right now that im thinking of (none of you girls) but im so thinking of not talking to him anymore... oh and i hate it when he lies to me!!!

im sick of wanting so many things and never going out and getting them. i can only solo take the blame for this one and it sucks but i guess that i will have to try to somehow figure out how to get what i want.

im so sick of being afraid of being in a relationship. i want one so bad and at the same time they scare the hell out of me. i guess that is why im my age and single!! i need to get my f***ing act together otherwise im going to be living at my parents house forever.

and on a last note....... why are there so many f***ing losers out there that find me... why can't i get a nice one that will treat me right.... no i just get guys who don't want shit from me or stalkers. if everyone one else can find it then what the hell is my problem.

im sorry for the few people who actually do read this. but like i said before this is only an attempt to make myself feel better and i doubt that will work today......... great way to start out my new year........ just great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!